Mandakhbayar Selenge
EAP98
April 20, 2010
An Important Choice
Everyone has their own dreams that change their life. When I was in high school, I had an important dream which was join to University of Mongolia. I studied a lot of math because my grandfather was a financier that is why he wanted me to be a financier. Also I interested that major and math. However, my parents wanted to send me to America, and changed my major. It had changed my dream and my life. There were two big reasons that were English and High education system.
First of all, at that time in Mongolia, English was the number one important language. Also English is the second language for a lot of foreign country’s people. Everyone was trying to study English when they get free. Also my parents took me English course for three month in school. Then I started to learn English. It is still hard to me because I haven’t studied English in my high school. I just used to study math for financier, as a result, I couldn’t learn English. After a few months later, I felt that I was getting better. That day was awesome day for me.
Second of all, the education is the most important in Mongolia and everywhere. Mongolian university and college have high education system. I had two choices which were study in Mongolia or America but my parents and I had chosen the United States of America. After I got my visa, I left my family, friends, my own land, and everything because of the high education system that will help my future life. Nowadays, if I don’t have knowledge and major, I won’t make a family and don’t have to think about good life.
People should have a dream at least one because if people have a dream, I will fight with problem for their dreams. The young people should study a lot, when they are young. After we got education and knowledge, we can do everything by our head.
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1. Is there a clear thesis at the end of the introduction?yes
ReplyDelete2. Does the thesis have a topic and controlling ideas?yes
3. does the thesis address the essay topic well?yes
4. are there at least two body paragraphs of 5 or more sentences?yes
5. Does each body paragraph have a clear topic sentence, and does the topic sentence clearly connect to the controlling ideas of the thesis?not more clearly
6. Can you easily find at least one major detail in each body paragraph? If not, please let the writer know where you are confused about the major detail.it is ok
7. Does the writer EXPLAIN and GIVE EXAMPLES for each major detail, and do they help you understand the major detail better? If not, please let the writer know that he/she needs more detail. Also let the writer know if you think the details are not exactly relevant.yes
8. Are the details concrete, not too general? let the writer know if s/he needs to give more interesting, concrete details.
9. How is the conclusion--does it cover the main ideas and thesis in new words, and does it make a comment that really makes you think about the essay topic some more? Please be specific about your feedback, don't just say Yes or No.yes
10. What do you like best about this essay? be specific.the conclusion
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